WHAT  I  BELIEVE HAPPENED...

...a true story of when a divorce takes on a "life form" all it's own... and you loose the best friend you could ever have wished for... thanks to the efforts of many who are poorly informed... and a spouse who becomes trapped in mental illness... and her own, twisted web of deflective lies...

Nancy and myself - August 1989 Gooseberry Falls State Park, Minnesota... A Month Before Kent Nichols Was Born.

Is this story really true?

When you live through such a traumatic experience such as this...then turn around one day and realize it seems to be almost over...and life appears to returning to something resembling normal again, it's reassuring. But... the "story", really never "goes away".

As I was originally writing this story, I occasionally would ask friends or associates to read a chapter and critique it. Then I began to realize that some individuals believed they had just read a novel... and it was not really true.

All of these events are true to the extent that I can recall details by referring to documents, diaries, court records, video tapes ...and taped conversations. Many experiences were so painful, I could never possibly forget them... and as a consequence, it's possible for some to have diagnosed a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). Simply put, one simply does not forget such an experience...

The story is also very much about someone who suffers from bi-polar disorder... and what happens when they are desperate to conceal it.

When people began to comment that they thought I had created the story in my imagination...I was left to wonder at just how bizarre the multitude of scenarios were. This may be a statement which represents how normal their life experience is...as well as afford me a perspective on how abnormal mine was.

When families are afflicted with mental illness...individuals suffer far more than the stories in movies and television can portray. There is significant evidence to suggest that Nancy has long suffered from a "borderline personality disorder" (her brother is bi-polar). When you introduce the incompetence and indifference of a government agency...sprinkled with overtones of a warped social worker's personal interests, it can be quite complicated to sort through the significant and the insignificant...and it becomes a very difficult story to report.

I will forever remain mystified at the many times Nancy showed how she deeply loved me in the months that followed our separation... in the manner she followed me, as though being in great pain, caught up in the thought of losing me. There were the times she emotionally broke down, sobbing... leaving me equally devastated in being unable to help her in the way I so wanted to. More and more, she appeared to relent  to the influence of others, who literally seem to thrive on devastating the kind of closeness Nancy and I shared. Her need to lie intensified... and our relationship somehow seemed to dissipate into thin air...  Only some 20+ years later, have I come to understand her overwhelming need to "self destruct", as an effect of receiving emotional maltreatment, during her childhood and adolescence... at the hands of both parents.

This is the story of a very real tragedy... and perhaps in reality, reveals what truly is wrong with adultery, as well as our lack of compassion to understand mental disorders that destroy lives.

In a very real way, this is also a love story...

Mental Illness...

Perhaps the saddest part of this story about Nancy Priscilla Nichol's, is the cruelty of the family environment during her childhood... most especially her adolescent period. Her parents were reasonably wealthy and well educated (father MBA Harvard, mother, Columbia University, masters in journalism). Given the emotional cruelty they inflicted on Nancy, had they been of lesser means, both might well have been incarcerated, based on what they inflicted on their daughter. Her older brother Randal K. Nichols, has a long confirmed mental illness (bipolar disorder) diagnosis... now reportedly living in Springdale, Arkansas. Randy also has holds multiple graduate degrees... and although divorced 5 times, in addition to 2 annulments, was last, reportedly doing very well.

Nancy's father and mother remained married after her mother "Gladys" identified and confronted her father's "lover". Not altogether related, they ultimately... owing to forms of  financial harassment, moved from New York, to just outside of Lahore, Pakistan. Lindley Nichols, then worked under contract for the United Nations and was quartered in a Pakistan Army Cantonment. During this time (circa 1960~64, Nancy then aged 10~14), was "home schooled", with little to no "social activity" aside from her equestrian interests and competitions. (She was 3 times, national champion in Pakistan, during this period),

Nancy was told that her mother and she would be flying back to the United Sates "on vacation"... but as Nancy told me, when they reached San Francisco International airport, her mother took her aside and advised Nancy that she and her father would be "getting divorced... and "You won't see your father for a very, very long time".

Nancy was then flown to Philadelphia and taken to nearby Westtown School, which is an "upscale" boarding school operation of the Quaker Church. She remained at Westtown for the next 4 years... never once going home to see her mother, either on holidays or summer vacation. Instead, during such periods, Nancy would take such time to go home with her room mate, Susan Kuhn, who's parents were both physicians on Big Pine Key, Florida. ("Suzy" later became a Physical Therapist, operating a relatively large firm in the Cincinnati, Ohio area).

Nancy's grades remained in the upper percentile of her class... but there is evidence of behavioral mal adjustment, gleaned from multiple stories and anecdotes which Nancy shared with me.

It's evident to me, that this is likely when Nancy's behavior directed towards "men", in the form of anger and "acting out" through sexual promiscuity began. I.E., "sex" is a form of punishment, borne through depressive anger and directed towards men... (not necessarily her partner at the moment). It's meant to express, I.E., "Let me see you hurt... Let me make you feel how I feel".

When we first moved to Minnesota, it was clear that Nancy would need to further her education, if she desired to work as a bona fide "Physical Therapist". After some preparatory work, she was enrolled in the University of Minnesota's, School of Physical Therapy, where at age 36, she was the oldest student in the course. During the 1st year of PT instruction, she was required to take a psychology course... which we discussed at various times, as I seemed to observe that she seemed somewhat, ill at ease with the subject. Even then, given what I knew about her childhood, I seemed to understand, what I was observing. It seemed apparent to me, even at that time... that Nancy had recognized some "anomalies" in her personality.

Keep in mind... I deeply loved Nancy... and were it not for that fact, I sometimes think that I would not have been able to be so sensitive to what I was observing.

Almost immediately after graduating from PT school, Nancy was offered a position at the Princeton Physical Therapy Clinic (now associated with Fairview Hospital System)... and before we could move to Princeton, the following Spring, she had become sexually involved with one of the PT clinic's patients... a former truck driver, living on multiple worker's compensation claims. I somehow "suspected", but chose to take the "tac" of hoping, that was not the case. (I never again, have since doubted my instincts).

All the while, I so loved the person I knew as "Nancy", I would not allow myself to be adversely affected. I adored her... perhaps arguably, even "worshiped" her... (once again, perhaps... too much). This is not to say, there were no "arguments"... for now it can be well understood, how Nancy would "tax" me with an onslaught of demeaning commentary, which I now am now able to see, how it be best explained, as rooted in her childhood anger... and the consequent mental illness issues she fought, ever so cleverly... to conceal.

Nancy treated her first husband, David M. Thompson... much the same. Sadly... I now understand what I saw then, in the Houston area, even before their divorce...

Thus I conclude, that it appears mostly likely, that Nancy also has a measure of... or at least the influence of, bipolar disorder, as does her sibling... with it's related episodes of manic depression and anger. Like her brother, she's extremely intelligent... but unlike her brother, she's aware enough about the disorder and it's implications, so as to be wary of revealing it... thus she makes every effort to conceal it, owing much of the environment she must work in.

If you are someone who knows Nancy, you may now have learned something of "the stuff" of what you have observed...

Nancy's education appears to have aided in her ability to mask the disease... but not altogether, all of  the "symptoms". Over time, I've learned more and more... from a host of sources, including others, who are willing to share from their heart, how bi-polar disorder has dealt them a life of so much pain. I've been fortunate to been friends with many others who have tried to share parts of their lives... and hearing their stories.

The "manic" period can be in the form of diverse forms... and in Nancy's case, it's not only included extended periods of being up and productive, for there also appears to be something which tore at her from the inside... perhaps rooted in her anger about her father's cuckoldry. "Heavens only know", how many individuals she shared "physical intimacy" with. I can only imagine, if she would instead, have found the ability to share her intense pain with me... given my love for her, could I have somehow, been able to make a bona fide change in her life?

I've held in confidence, the stories of women who have been married in excess of 7 times... and perhaps, now in their later years,  are unable to recall the true numbers of failed relationships... which have now have led to later years of loneliness and solitude. Their "future" is now the "present"... and all of the elements of once bizarre behavior, driven by not only hormones running at their peak... but also the anger and frustration... pushed from energy levels derived from their "mania". This then, can only be considered a basis, for what truly, must be identified as an illness... that will ultimately lead to a most painful period, in their older lives.

For those reading this, who are now in their 20s, 30s or even 40s... who are experiencing the thrill of hormone driven emotions... hang on, for there will be much more of the "rest of the story" to follow...

The "depressive" periods of bi-polar disorder, can be equally diverse... but from what is mostly my singular exposure to that part of the disease, is something again manifested in the frustration of not being able to cope with the world around you. There is a considerable measure of "anger", which can vary, even from one hour to the next.

This part of the disease can wreak havoc on relationships... with constant bickering, criticism and even fighting, all about the most mundane subjects. A single such event may be little to consider... but when they continue in one episode after another, most relationships will eventually crumble. What happens when the "relationship" is between two people who truly love each other? Multiple scenarios I experienced, were periods of anger and bickering during a Saturday afternoon, followed by a "dinner date" with friends, in which Nancy would appear "bubbling over" in joy. Can this too, be considered, with respect to the serious challenges, presented by the disease?

Arguments, seemingly rooted in a "cause", that in reality are about nothing... and which ultimately destroy a wonderful marriage... make lawyers rich, and appear to be in reality, merely another "tool" used in the self destructive phases of the disease. (Most lawyers I've known, are only too pleased to take the money and run...)

To the non initiated, such periods of "just one more intimate relationship"... all beyond rational behavior and ability for the "victims" to understand, leave a devastating trail of broken homes and parentless children, who themselves, may turn to enjoin a circle of friends who may they not be best suited... and who may influence them, in a manner, which leads to further self destruction, addictions and pain... if not criminal behavior.

For those who "scoff" at promiscuity, you may be doing so, at a far greater expense, than you realize...

As for me... more than what is now, 20+ years later, I still must deal with an awareness, of how much Nancy remains an emotional  part of my life. I guess that may be, yet another way, of saying how much you once loved someone... and how that "sense", remains...

I only wish, that now in my late "60's", that in my "yester years", had I been equipped to "reach way down" into this "person" and "fix" all the pain and hurt I once observed... perhaps I could have made a difference.  Admittedly, it's sometimes difficult, dealing with the things, that won't let you "go back"...

The role of the women's movement...

When people you love and trust lie to you...it's makes the moment more confusing and it makes choices more difficult to select. It leaves satisfactory resolutions to a problem, almost impossible to resolve and achieve.

There were many individuals and organizations who came to Nancy's rescue...just as I, had once done.

The desire to help someone in distress is among our most primitive instincts... save this time, arguably, they had no idea (just as once, was I), knew little of what the true nature of the problem was... for they were being lied to also...

The ability to control and manipulate others by pretending to be a victim is most as primitive. Young children learn it very quickly....with statements such as..."Mommy, Mommy...Johnny is pinching me....make him stop".

I am not chastising the cause of the women's movement...for there are any number of social injustices yet to be righted.

I DO want to alert such organizations of the damage a single individual can inflict on their cause by seeking the shelter of their movement... all to deflect attention away from her own, self destructive behavior.

There were several of the 44 court appearances when Nancy showed up in court in the company of women from the Mille Lacs County Intervention Project. If I had a personal "impression" of this organization to portray...it is a group of middle aged, angry women with a significant problem with weight control and self esteem. I am not trying to take a cheap shot...but portray an impression, that's likely not far of "the mark".

I am not trying to speak with further condescension about the weight problem...for while it is an accurate observation, I view it as a symptom of living in an environment filled with stress and lack of self fulfillment...dealt with through an inappropriate and ineffective means...all of which indirectly, exacerbated the atmosphere of hostilities at home. It's one more vicious circle in life that continues until an outside influence intervenes.

These women have an understandable right to be frustrated and even angry. I solicit that their attention should be retained in the realm of what is appropriate...tempered with the thought that...in their anger, they are vulnerable to being manipulated for an inappropriate cause.

The legislation and court system needs to be aware of this as well. There are certain social issues which require a very detailed level of knowledge to resolve. If there are not sufficient resources to work, at such detailed levels...the legislators and courts would be far better off to leave well enough alone.

Many of the women I observed from the Mille Lacs County Intervention Project have undoubtedly suffered at the hands of abuse and unfairness. I respect with compassion, both that they have suffered and the injustices they are trying to correct.

This does not mean that they should run willy-nilly into court every time a woman asks for help...for it is likely they are hearing only one side of the story. Unless they are empowered with...and are prepared with the ability to conduct an independent investigation and provide psychiatric testing and counseling...they have no business going to court with anyone. This only further exacerbates the ability to resolve the real issues at hand.

There were other individuals who got sucked in to Nancy's scheme as well.

One of the more brazen examples is a neighbor... a woman named Sharon Wolf, who lived on Chestnut Road, across from our house. Sharon appears to be fairly intelligent...but not well educated. Most of what she knows is from daytime television talk shows. She comes from a large family of girls...and rumors suggest that multiples of them have suffered in domestic abuse situations.

Sharon had been providing day care for "my son" Kent since he was only about 1 year old. The location was most convenient for us...but it also provided Nancy access to Sharon's relatively isolated ear...at least twice a day.

Sharon Wolf soon began showing up in court with Nancy with facial expressions of "get the bastard". In reality...she had no idea what she was there for or what she was doing. Until she reads this...I am most suspicious that she probably had no prior knowledge of the results of the D.N.A. paternity test or who Kent's biological father (a PT patient named James Francis Adams) really was, (for example).

When Nancy "ran away" to Houston in April 1989, Sharon came over to the house and sat and talked with me for several hours. During the conversation she confided in me that her over the road, truck driving husband, (Gordy Wolf) had long had a drinking problem and had frequently abused her...but that she had stood by him. I interpreted this to mean that a combination of things were evident. These included, that she needed the security of Gordy's income, in addition to certain issues which had not necessarily been resolved... that she was trapped in the situation... and, she carried a degree of suppressed anger towards her husband, along with "other issues" which were not necessarily resolved and/or she had not forgiven him.

Here is a classic example of an individual being exploited for a cause for the private pleasure of another individual's need to manipulate and control what they feel a need to do. Despite her "borderline personality disorder", Nancy's intelligence and skill at manipulating others, allowed her to wreak havoc on such people who were vulnerable to exploitation.

Further evidence of manipulation...

Nancy's job at the hospital provided a target rich environment for manipulation. There is certainly evidence to suggest that a great many hospital employees had knowledge of something resembling the truth. There is also evidence that she had successfully manipulated many, many others as well.

One example is the role played by Dr Peter Michael Jensen MD.

When we were looking to purchase a home in the area, we visited Dr. Peter Jensen's house, then on the north side of Princeton. Peter Jensen has a trim, relatively athletic appearance... and is approximately the same age as Nancy. At the time, he was recently divorced...

In an effort to convince the District Court to issue an Order For Protection against me, Nancy was able to obtain a letter signed by no less than Peter Jensen MD, written on Rum River Clinic stationary, clearly representing that he was speaking as an informed professional...stating in his opinion that I was (to the affect) was inflicted with some neuroses and possessed a personality disorder which represented a grave threat to Nancy... and that "he was concerned for her safety".

I did not receive a copy of this letter until nearly one year later, as Nancy was attempting to use it as a basis for getting yet another O.F.P. (which owing to it having been proved that she was stalking me, along with other measures... was denied).

Peter Jensen is one of the more senior members of the Princeton Clinic and Fairview Northland Regional Hospital...but he is in fact... only a General Practitioner. He is not a psychiatrist, nor does he have any personal knowledge in me, what so ever).

I have never at any time sought psychological treatment or advice from Peter Jensen. He has never treated me for anything other than routine physiological disorders such as the flu or possibly a back injury I sustained.

Peter Jensen had absolutely no sound professional basis to issue such an opinion. It's contents were nothing short of defamatory and libelous. He placed the Rum River Clinic at risk for a law suit. The only reason I did not act on the issue...is that I realize that it is Nancy that manipulated him into writing that letter... subsequent to any "intimate" therapy, she may have performed...?

What things should we consider as a basis that Peter Jensen may have had sufficient motivation to write the letter? By writing the letter, Dr. Jensen placed himself within the realm of what would cause a reasonable person to be suspicious that he also has been involved, both sexually or emotionally with Nancy. I personally heard Dr. Jensen address my wife as "Nancy"...in a manner which suggested "familiarity".

Peter Jensen's letter is strongly suggestive of a "favor" for Nancy...but was never-the-less a vicious attack on someone he barely knew.

Harassment and Stalking...

One is able to gain better insight as to the degree of anger within Nancy when you consider what she was attempting to do through the guise of an Order For Protection (OFP).

I am willing to take any and all sorts of forms of lie detector tests to establish a basis of fact...that I never once threatened Nancy in any fashion...and I never so much as raised my voice to her. Remember...it was my position to want her back...even given the total bewilderment as to what was going on, when she "ran away" in April 1989, being 4 months pregnant by a patient of hers, with Kent... and during this "escape", went to her first husband (David M. Thompson, then in the Houston area... and asked him to take her back). I strongly believed she needed treatment...and it simply would not be in my interest or desire, to threaten her in any manner. (I now realize, it appears Nancy was fully aware of the jeopardy, which her self destructive behavior, had placed her in).

After my arrest in October 1991, owing to growing consequences of her web of her lies, Nancy sought another OFP as part of my "Conditions of Release" from the Mille Lacs County Jail. This is strongly suggestive of her feigned paranoia... all quite impressionable, from the perceived consequences of her lying. It is understandable how any individual who did not know the rest of the story would conclude she would have reason to be in fear of me. (Keep in mind, this from a person, even in adulthood, had an uncontrolled, irrational, fear of the dark).

In reality...the O.F.P. itself became more and more the stuff of manipulation, lies and deceit. By this time it is possible that she had put so much energy into providing convincing manipulation... that her paranoia had led her, to believe it herself. She now was in a position so as to have to appear that she really did believe that she had reason to live in fear. Nancy quite literally, was more and more becoming a victim of her own lies... all the stuff of a twisted, intertwined form of "borderline personality disorder", that as applied,  with her having learned ever so skillfully, to manipulate others.

At what point in the world of psychiatry does one intervene...and conclude that there is reasonable evidence to suspect of complications related to schizophrenic paranoia? (...once again, remembering her brother has a diagnosed bi-polar disorder).

It also needs to be considered that there is overwhelming evidence to suggest that these allegations were done for financial reasons... all scripted by Princeton attorney Thomas Meinze, affording absolute control of property inventory, tax records and a host of other assets. At some point, one must give more consideration to the "criminal" nature of Nancy's intentions. (I learned from other attorneys, that such tactics, "are done all the time".

Area in yellow depicts approximately 50 square miles of "forbidden zone" in the Order For Protection

 As part of the "Conditions of Release" from the Mille Lacs County Jail on October 31, 1991, Nancy drew up a map which depicted a huge area of exclusion for me. If I entered anywhere in the area that is depicted in yellow, I could be arrested and put in jail...subject to a 1 year jail sentence and fine. Judge Stephen P. Ruble (a former patient of Nancy and fellow parent on their daughter's basketball team), granted her request without allowing any challenge. The order as originally dictated by Nancy, would have precluded me from attending church...and it was later modified. It prevented me from going to numerous social functions held by friends at work and dozens of sporting events I would normally have attended. Despite having a huge "private area" at her disposal...Nancy saw it necessary to begin jogging only 1 to 2 blocks from my apartment in April of 1993...in an attempt to "bait" me into a violation of the OFP. Had she done so, she could have automatically had the OFP extended for another year...and I would have been subject to a 1 year jail term and fine...and I would have lost my job.

I have often considered that the size of the exclusion area provides a "relative index" as to the measure of Nancy's shame, guilt...and paranoia.

There is far more to be considered.

In the spring of 1993, I was looking forward to things "dying down". I was even harboring visions that perhaps Nancy was growing weary of her games and may even be wishing to come and talk to me.

The exclusion area depicted on the map limited me to only two ways to travel between my work at the airport and my apartment. The last 1/2 mile of the drive was common to either chosen course.

In early April, Wayne Traaseth, then, the  F.A.A.'s Assistant Manager at work, came up to me after just returning from his lunch break. He stated, "Ashley, have you noticed a car parked up on the corner by Crystal Cabinets lately? Whenever I go to lunch, I notice there is always someone sitting in the car, as though they are "staking out" the area, for someone".

My first reaction was to acknowledge that, "Yes...I have seen the car... but I think that would be going to extremes, even for Nancy".

I normally went to lunch, precisely at noon...seldom more than a few minutes difference each day.

That day, as I left for lunch...and the usual stop at the post office to check my mail, I noted the vehicle and driver...just where I had seen it on many previous occasions. The driver was a woman, who appeared to be in her early 40's.

I drove to the post office...and then to my apartment for a quick lunch. THE EXACT SAME CAR AND DRIVER WERE NOW PARKED LESS THAN 100 YARDS FROM MY APARTMENT...in a location that had a clear view of the apartment entrance ...but also was not by any building... not even a shade tree. IE., there was no reason that  someone would choose to park there...except for the purpose of stalking me.

Upon driving back to work that day, I deliberately chose a route which had numerous turns in it. After a series of three turns...I made a quick 180 degree reversal of course...only to discover the same vehicle and driver passing me in the other direction.

Whether I chose to admit it or not...I WAS IN FACT BEING FOLLOWED... but by who?

I later was able to get the vehicle license number traced...and kept the name and address for possible use at some point in the future.

About a month prior to the OFP expiring, I again was driving home for lunch...when all of a sudden I saw Nancy jogging by a corner that was at another "bottle neck" I was forced to transit, if I went by the post office. She was wearing a white "t-shirt" with no bra and light blue spandex exercise pants... in a glaringly obvious attempt to "bait" me.

I was at once startled and concerned...but I was also moved to wonder, "Is she trying to make contact with me?" I would later find out something contrary to that notion, if not sinister...

Nancy was jogging along the street, one block north of the Methodist Church, almost a mile from the hospital and PT clinic. This was in spite of the fact that there was an excellent Olympic grade track immediately across the street from the Fairview Northland hospital... AND despite the fact that she had dozens and dozens of square miles and little traveled country roads to jog upon... OVER 10 MILES DISTANT... at her home.

I returned to work that day...and carefully entered a documentation of the report in a journal I had been keeping in my personal computer, which I kept at work. I noted my feelings...how she was dressed, how she looked at me, the fact that she appeared to carefully have a witness jogging with her...and that it was in a location she knew I would be at... because she had been having me followed. I further noted that I told myself, "Ashley...pretend she is a tree. Do not reflect any more emotion or acknowledgment to her presence...than if she were a tree. Do not slow down... Do not speed up... all just as though she were a tree".

Again...a part of me was tormented with the possibility that she was trying to make contact with me. Could that be true? Even in spite of her allegations that followed later... I have to wonder about what underlying motive there might have been. You see...when you are caught up in a web of lying, such as I had been... you come to question any and all possibilities.

Over the course of the next month...I saw Nancy two more times. One time was less than a hundred feet from the original location.

On another occasion, she was little more than a block from my apartment...appearing to be by herself. (Was this a setup?)

Sure enough...early in June, about 10 days before the existing  O.F.P. was due to expire, I received a summons to report to court...THE NEXT DAY. The summons had been signed for almost 10 days... but supposedly the serving deputy had not been able to locate me until only one day ahead of time!

This was the 43rd court appearance in a period of a little over two years time.

I noted also that Nancy had manipulated the serving of the O.F.P., so that it would be heard before a relatively new female judge. (A common tactic by attorneys, when available).

I went to court the following day and requested an order to stay for the hearing...as I intended to represent myself... and had no time to prepare my case...  AND had only been served the papers one day before.

Upon realizing my request for a stay would be honored (and the case would ultimately be heard by a different judge), Nancy was visibly upset.

The judge acknowledged my request...and then stated that she would be going on vacation in only a couple of more days. Nancy (and her "Advocate" from the Mille Lacs Country Intervention Project) vigorously argued to have the hearing in only a couple of more days... in an effort to insure it was argued before this judge...whom they obviously knew would be leaning in their direction. (After 42 previous court appearances...I was beginning to learn how the system...REALLY works).

I was granted another week to prepare my case.

THE 44TH TIME IN COURT...

The following week would prove very busy for me.

I had (then) Sheriff Jules Zimmer, Deputy Greg Weller, "Mille Lacs County Family Services" member, Richard Schmidt and the driver of the "stake out car" subpoenaed to testify in court.

I also prepared a huge wall map, very similar to the one attached to this document.

Nancy had charged me with five violations of the OFP, all in an effort to have me jailed (which would have resulted in the loss of my job) and fined...as well as have the O.F.P. automatically extended for another year).

Three of the allegations involved me "driving by her and harassing her as she was jogging".

Another allegation was that I had a woman acquaintance (who later turned out to be a diagnosed schizophrenic on medication) call Nancy...which would also be a violation of the order.

In truth, in an effort to be perfectly honest with the woman, I had told her all of the things that Nancy had done...which as the reader may acknowledge...could be quite overwhelming by this time. My friend, understandably was beginning to think I had made the whole thing up...and told me she wanted to call Nancy...  and ask Nancy, if it was all true. I did not really appreciate the breach of faith... but I also told her that she could get me in trouble, merely by calling Nancy...and I really did not wish for her to do that.

My "friend" called Nancy anyway, all without my knowledge...and Nancy had her in court to testify against me, for violating the O.F.P..

Fortunately Sherry (my "friend") was absolutely honest on the witness stand as I questioned her. She told the court, just the way it was...and the charge was immediately dismissed.

Without further research...I can not remember what the 5th charge was...which was also dismissed.

The "drive by harassment" charges were then brought up.

I asked for...and was granted permission to put up the large "wall map" of Princeton which I had prepared.

I noted that I had enlisted the aid of a friend of mine to take a Global Positioning System (GPS) fix at the hospital helipad, so we could accurately depict the distances that Nancy had jogged away from the hospital and into an area that was NOT in her safety net coverage.

The point I was making before the judge is that it was reasonable and prudent to conclude that Nancy was clearly abandoning her safety net in an all out effort to harass and entrap me.

I pointed toward the wall map...and depicted the location of each alleged violation. I also pointed out to the judge that, given the scale of the map, if I were to depict the location of her home and the additional area which she had free access in which to jog...the map itself would have to extend another 10 feet further to the left!

About this time...the judge, who had been called out of retirement to hear this case, began to maneuver in an effort to conclude the testimony.

Realizing that things were not looking good...for her side...

... Nancy stood up and asked for permission to approach the bench.

She then stated, "Well could I get an order that would keep him 200 feet away from me?"

The judge then replied, "LADY...HOW ABOUT TWO FEET!"

I had finally stopped her harassment...

Once Again, Now... 20 Years Later 

(A letter to Nancy for her 60th birthday)

The Big Six Zero; 

As Nancy's next momentous birthday has come and gone… very recently, I happened to watch “ABC Nightline”, which featured a fairly lengthy interview with Jesse James… and about his personal perspective on his relationship with Sandra Bullock. The story was somewhat “telling”, particularly with the hundreds upon hundreds of “explanations”, I realized, was also about you… for whom, I continue to ponder… now 20 years later.

It’s arguable that I’ve never known “where your head is”... as you once described yourself as a “very private person”. In that vein, one must consider the variety of paths open for one to “self destruct”… as Jesse James described it. 

There are very, very, very few mornings that, when I awake, I don't first find myself thinking about you… I must consider, that all through the events of the 1988~1993 period, buried deep inside the self described, “private person” I loved so, so much… was a person pre-occupied with a similar "self destruction", as described by Jesse James, in his "open book" interview...

That interview, as much as any other perspective… seems to provide an insight as to what I've struggled to understand… 

Nancy; I still must consider you as the best friend I've ever had. You said all the right things… and you did all the right things to such an extent, I felt, all through our relationship,  as I would never sufficiently be able to describe, how much I loved you. 

For my entire lifetime, I never felt “wanted”… to such an extent, as was nearly impossible to convey to others, how that felt. A couple of years ago, my older sister told me that my mother had actually had her tubes tied, before I was conceived. Thus for some reason… I’d spent most of my lifetime with the realization that “there was something wrong”. Then you came along… 

For the first time in my life, you made me feel “wanted”… you made me feel “whole”. Now I understand: (1) Why you had the inward need to do what you did... and (2) Why it was so extremely painful for me to lose the person I loved so dearly. 

It was as though I was watching on in disbelief, that the person I so revered and cherished… could be “self destructing” right before my eyes… and would not reach out to me for help. 

It’s also evident, that in your own mind, you had “self destructed” to such an extent, that your only desire was to feign a situation, so as to be appealing for assistance from others… once again, an effort to attempt to “validate” your need to recover, from the pain you suffered in childhood. 

I will never forget the moment which I’ve captured in time... when during our divorce hearing, while seated in  the Mille Lacs County Courthouse witness stand, you “mimed”… “I hate your guts”. I understood even then, what, as well as why, you were saying it… and in the same moment, I could only shake my head in sorrow, for the inward pain you were revealing, in the only way you’ve been able to show. I had directed my attorney, Mike Williams, to ask, “Name the person with whom you had sexual intercourse at a time appropriate to conceive the child…” 

I asked Mike Williams to present that question... fully NOT as a reason to embarrass you or hurt you in any way. I wanted the question asked, for the purpose of confronting the behavior of the very best friend I’ve ever had… and whom, even to this day, I’ve never been able to stop loving. 

Through the countless nights and mornings I’ve spent trying to understand the self destructive behavior I've witnessed... I “think” I have grasped all that was once before me. Sometimes I’m given to wonder, that in the process of “acting out” the consequences of your pain… do you ever consider the pain which you have inflicted upon others?

Through it all, I can only find reason to “forgive”… and through it all, the love just won’t go away. 

I pray you will understand... just why I’ve written this letter… just as I pray you can understand, my desire, that you will find a true joy in your heart, on your 60^th birthday! I make one request... and that is to please give Kent (who has now turned 21), a gentle, loving "hug" on all of his "September 13ths". You don't need to say a word, all just being, a quiet "gift" from me...

Ashley 

"ABC Nightline" Interview (extract) with Jesse James, describing his treatment of Sandra Bullock:

"I grew up with a huge amount of shame and fear and abandonment on my shoulders from a very young age and I think, you know, the way my mind rationalized [cheating], 'Well, you know, I might as well do whatever I can to like run her off, 'cause she is going to find out what I am anyway and leave me anyway,'" the biker, 31, said in a Nightline interview that aired Tuesday (May 25, 2010). "The struggle within myself for the things that I did ...to damage marriage and my life and everything else, it's all me. I'm doing it because, you know, I've basically never felt good enough for anyone." 

James said he isn't a sex addict, but cheating on Bullock, 46, was a way for him "to sabotage my life ... I think I do a lot of things in my life that I shouldn't be doing that aren't conducive to being a perfect husband, you know, and the affairs are just one of them." 

Abuse victims "self-sabotage their life ... because of their abuse; they've never felt good enough," he said. "Why would I totally destroy my wife's life and humiliate her when I knew it was bad, you know? I may seem like a monster in people's eyes, but I'm not that kind of person where I will willfully, you know, 'I'm gonna get her, I'll show her,' that's not what it's about. It's about trying to push someone away that I thought was going to leave anyway."

Still more of... MY FEELINGS... 

Perhaps I could name this  "What I Feel"....or perhaps "What I Have Been Made To Feel". I could be open to being "second guessed" by anybody who ever read a "$3.95 self help book".

What I wish to share with you...is some things you may not have thought about...unless you have had a similar misfortune.

I made a comment in the introduction about how many people have told me, "Ashley...You ought to write a book". It may be of interest to the reader that nearly one half of the same people (men and women), have made comments such as, "I know a good hit-man in Chicago", "What you need is a new 30.06", "I don't know about you...but I know what I would have done".

My mother died in August 1996, at the age of 87. A few days before she died, she was reflecting on how upset she had been over how Nancy had made me suffer... and how hurt she knew I had been from the results of Nancy's behavior. My own 87 year old mother...laying on her death bed stated, "Son...if it had been me, I would have killed her".

I responded to my mother with, "Please don't say things like that...because even that (concept) has created problems for me. It is as though many people, including judges, have condemned me...based on what they perceived what they would do if they were me. There is little doubt that Nancy was able to get an Order For Protection (OFP)...because the judge knew "what he would do". At the same time, I am foremost aware, that these sort of people, have nothing like the perspective that I have... being fervently aware of the extent of lying and manipulation, that Nancy had undertaken, all in an attempt to deflect attention from her own, self destructive behavior.

I was thus condemned to further punishment...based on other people's perceptions of what should be a likely consequence of Nancy's behavior... and not for anything that I had ever done or stated. I was quite literally...further punished by the "system"...because of what she had done to me, as she "pretended to be a victim".

Ever since the argument on October 7, 1990...I have not so much as raised my voice...let alone raised my hand to Nancy. I have sustained unbelievable verbal assaults and vindictive slander...in order for Nancy to apparently justify in her mind...her anger...from another time and place, all being the cruelty she suffered from her parents, during her childhood.

I will not deny the escalating arguments...nor will I deny slapping her ( ONE time). Again...the whole scenario sickened me...for I was being denigrated by someone I cared for very much. I did not choose for that to happen. I did not force her to have yet one more...self destructive affair. Nancy made a choice to do that...as a consequence of not addressing what appears to be an enormous amount of anger and pain she keeps hidden inside.

I can face any challenger of my position with absolute conviction and state...None of what happened...Not the arguing...Not the slapping...NOTHING would have happened... were it not for her need to conceal her behavior and guilt, in the brain of her self described "private person"...

Indeed, more than once, Nancy told me, "I'm a very private person". To that I will respond...bullshit! (There is simply no more appropriate way to state it). That is a cop-out and little more than an excuse, for not being honest and open with someone, about a copious amount of pent up, childhood anger, held deep inside her "privacy". It also exposes that she can not believe in another person well enough to hold a degree of trust and a basis for such honesty. As such, anyone in such a relationship with such an individual, is at risk...

I loved Nancy enough to forgive her for anything. You can not forgive someone if they do not feel open enough to trust and believe another person to seek the forgiveness however. This is the stuff of complications of an undetermined  type, level and extent of neuroses. There are any number of times I have wished I could have been able to know what she was really holding inside...not to shame her...not to belittle her...but to show my love with how I could express my forgiveness, through such concern...

Throughout almost all of 1991, I spent virtually every lunch hour...sitting in a pew at the Princeton United Methodist Church praying. Much of the time I was on my knees at the alter. Much of that time I was in tears. I simply prayed over and over again for the Lord to touch Nancy...to let her know what was in my heart.

It was not to happen...

There is a near life size painting of Christ on the wall in the sanctuary of the Princeton Methodist church...which I would gaze upon for hours...hoping upon hope that the person depicted in that picture really was REAL. I wanted only to see some sign...some reason to have hope.

In a very real sense...it seemed like the more I tried...the more she would be vindictive, as though she was bound and determined to break my faith. There were times when she came very close to doing so...but she never did.

Princeton attorney Mike Williams told me once, "Ashley...You are trying to be a saint. I don't know if I could do what you are doing".

I did not feel as though I was being anything other than trying to do the right thing. My faith simply reassured me to "be a rock" for I believed that Nancy in time would recognize what I was trying to do...as an expression of my devotion to a friendship.

If you can not identify with this...then it is likely you may never have had your faith in the goodness of mankind so tested.

Mike Williams also told me once that he thought I was "very principled"...to which I acknowledge it is more likely that he was trying to convey his annoyance in my position disguised as flattery. I never-the-less believe that our society has ample need for more people with "principles".

At no time did I harbor thoughts of harming Nancy. It's taken now years, to fully understand the significance of her feigning fear, to anyone she could influence. Casting "nobility" aside... anything other than "standing fast", would have been a really stupid thing to consider. She had already cost me a fortune in emotions...and only pure stupidity would have me risk being subject to further punishment, because of her.

If you choose to criticize my position...so be it. I will not yield to the idea of the need to believe in a better good...of giving of yourself...of "putting something back" from what you take in life...and a hierarchy of principles. We show our respect for other people through giving...not taking. We honor those whom we love through devotion...not turning and walking away at the first, nor even the second, sign of strife. There is a part of me that sees a progressive erosion in our society...to a society absorbed in the "what's in it for me" principle.

The latter being the case...I can understand how many individuals could not comprehend what it was that I was trying to show...and there were very, very few that ever stopped to ask.

What I did do...I pray, was a measure above the ordinary...

I hope some day, when Kent Nichols, now over 22 years of age and in his senior year at Bethel University in St Paul, may learn of this... for I did it for him, as well. I really, really did... love him, just that much...

Feel free to share this story with someone, for whom it may help...

Ashley Waters

 More -  Kent's Story  ---   The D.N.A. Paternity Test   --- Espionage  --- Who is the Father? 

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